Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
