I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
my liver is dry heaving
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
