I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
