I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
