his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
