I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
