i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize