i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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