I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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