im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's shark week go big or go home
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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