The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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