the condom got lost in my hair
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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