you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
