Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
