I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There r osticjed everywhere
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
