you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
