I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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