break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
