i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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