maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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