I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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