Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
