so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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