dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
