Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
