Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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