No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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