Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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