ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
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You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
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I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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