So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
