i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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