She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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