Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize