you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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