im having a threesome with these popsicles
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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