took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
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