Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
