I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
