Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
