I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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