I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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