Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
