Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
