im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
