youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
