Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
