Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
