he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
