nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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