I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
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He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
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Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.