Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
