Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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