he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
