That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
only if we run a train.
done.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
