My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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