My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
my sisters under your porch take her home
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
