sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
