Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just gargled with NyQuil
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
