new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I am midnight drunk by noon
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
