i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
