Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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