i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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