Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
